5 Blocks From the Shitter

I took three steps after getting off the bus and realized I had to take a massive dump. The only problem was that I was five blocks away from the shitter. Not that the place I lived wasn’t a complete shithole, but that was where the shitter was. The torment set in and I knew what it would take. I tightened up my ass cheeks and set off to make the journey.
About halfway up the first block I felt the urge to expel intensify. That was when these two gentlemen strode up to me from out of someone’s front lawn and approached me. The first one said, “Have you repented and been saved from all your sins?” The other one said, “It is written in the scriptures that you need not spend the rest of eternity in eternal damnation.”
I thought to myself, “Oh no, these are fucking Jehovah Witnesses.” I said to them, “Look I don’t give a flying fuck about eternity, but I have to take care of some business right now.”
The second one stepped in front of me while the other crowded me in. The first one had impossibly short reddish hair and rosy cheeks. Sweat drenched his shirt as beads of it formulated the landscape of his face. I could have slapped him and a theatrical splash would have sprayed following the trail of my hand. The second one was frail and skinny. His bucked teeth and freckled face gave away the secret affirmation that these two were cornholeing each other after every hard day of heavy-handed bible thumping. I was deeply disgusted.
“Don’t worry about me. I already know how my destiny is slated.”
They looked at me dumbfounded and the sweaty one said, “If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, your destiny is slated for Hell!”
I said, “You idiots take everything in that stupid book so literally that you lose all the mysticism that entails your spirituality.”
“That can’t happen because we have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as our lord and savior.” Said the leader of the two.
“Well you will be accepting my foot up your ass if you don’t get out of my way now!” As I said that, the outburst of aggression was not in my favor since I almost pressed the eject button. It was pointless to argue, so I took a sidestep and trudged onward while they shouted religious dogma at me until I was out of earshot.
I kept on walking and quelled the urge by humming to the tune of Stairway to Heaven backwards. Somehow that did not seem to jibe so well. So I quit humming and concentrated on trudging onward while still holding back.
It seemed as if there was a clear road all the way home from that point, however that did not prove to be the case. Just as I crossed the road from the second block these two little kids accosted me with their wares of chocolate candy and peanuts. I tried to avoid them but they just ran me down. They were Boyscouts or something. Looking well to do, I just figured their parents were just holding back on their allowance. The first one said to me, “Will you buy some candy from us?”
“Sorry, I don’t have time for this.” I said in a stale expressionless voice.
The other one had a lousy rebuttal. He said, “Please, we haven’t sold anything all day.”
“Then I would suggest that you find another way to make some money.”
The first one with glasses and a finely tuned cowlick said, “Its for our class project.”
At that point the other boy proceeded to plead with his chubby face, “Please, will you please buy some candy. Please buy some. Please buy some candy.”
Well that stirred me up quite a bit as I shouted, “No! No, I don’t want any of your goddamn candy. You two should learn how to sell stuff if you want anybody to buy your crap!”
That did not fare well since I almost shot the torpedo right through my pants. They looked at me in shock, as I said, “Get out of my face.”
As they scampered off I laid into the street once more trudging my way home to fulfill what seemed to be my only purpose in life. I successfully crossed the third block unhindered. It was then that it occurred to me that if I was a good salesman, maybe I could earn some really big bucks! Maybe I could do better. I could find myself a Sugar Momma... I pondered the improbability. Then I thought, with all the queers in this town, it would be easier to find a Sugar Daddy…
“Scratch that Idea,” I muttered to myself. Then I thought out loud, “Oh well, here I am living from paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck.” I kept trudging onward as I chanted my mantra. “Paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck to paycheck…”
Just as I was about to cross the fourth street of the fourth block, a fat lady stopped her car right in front of me to ask directions. She asked me, “Do you know where the Havermyer Hotdog Stand is?”
I said, “Sure, it’s on the corner of 29th and Wilson Street.”
She proceeded to explain to me, “I’m from out of town. I thought was on the right track, but obviously not. I’m supposed to meet some friends there.”
So I pointed with my thumb over my shoulder and said, “29th is back that way three blocks. Just turn left there and head down a couple of blocks. You’ll see it on the corner.”
“Left side or right side?” she asked.
“Left.” I said.
She looked me up and she looked me down. Then she said, “Hey, you’re kind of cute. Would you like to go with me?”
I thought for a moment. She was pretty obese but her face was kind of pretty. On any other given day I might have been glad to go hoggin’ with her just for shits and grins. But the shit I had to take took precedence. I told her, “I would love to but there are some issues that I have to take care of right now!”
She looked me up and down again and said, “Okay, suit yourself.”
Then she sped off in her car and was gone. I kept walking, but the urge seemed uncontrollable. I thought to myself, “Damn, there goes my Sugar Momma.”
It was almost dark by then and I was almost home. The feeling was like getting to the bathroom with the need to release and having freedom to let loose. Even so, I was still three quarters of a block from home. I couldn’t wait any longer. There were some bushes in a neighbor’s yard that looked so inviting. So, I dodged into the thicket and quickly undid my trousers. I squatted with much relief to take a dump. A quick release left me thinking that sometimes the best thing in the world is to take a good shit. Incidentally that was not all I had to bestow upon this fertile soil, but that was when a dog started barking and some lights came on. I knew that someone had beamed those lights on my bare ass just as she yelled, “Hey asshole, get out of my yard!”
I yanked my pants back on, only there was still a butt nut on the way. Without looking back, I ran all the way home to finish the job.
That night I dreamt that I shot Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane in cold blood. He just sat on the hood of his patrol car and said, “Go ahead. Do it.”
As my arm wavered with the gun, I aimed for his heart and pulled the trigger. All I remember after that was a paranoid flurry before waking up.


And the moral is…
Everybody loves a shitty story.
Then again, why not think outside the asshole?

F.